“We carry gift certificates.” Well they’re not very heavy. Why are you bragging?”
“Shoot! I have your mother’s socks in my pocket!” — Riha (Kenny’s wife), to Kenny
“
Daytona 500? There’s been that many?
[later] Your mama’s so old she was at Daytona 1
”“I can appreciate a good dick.”
“Some girls deserve to be punched. My ex… I beamed her in the back with a Dr. Pepper. It was one of the greatest feelings of my life.”
“[Referring to grilled chicken strips] They should just call it “gay chicken” on the menu.”
“Some girl hurt her thumb, but the circumstances were really shady. You have to assume she was fingering Randy Moss’s ass.”
“I saw a commercial for the Taco Bell gordita the other day, and I wanted to eat the TV.”
“Would you rather take a bullet in the head or a dick in the ass? Either way, I’d rather die than give a blow job. All you have to do to get fucked in the ass is exist. To give a blow job, you have to have technique.”
“Bud Light tastes like cancer. Can we all just admit that cancer tastes bad? Cause it’s an awful thing.”
“Remember when Corey Lidell died? I had wished that the Yankees’ plane crashed. I have to stop wishing for things. I didn’t know I had powers.”
“Yeah we have a strong door but I have a strong right leg. *makes kicking motion* BOOM”